Last we heard the team of Pretty Boys FC had their pre-season tour in the US. Not to be outdone, Pub Team FC packed their bags and well-worn tees and jeans to the US as well. They will tour the US for the following reasons:
- They won the league and had something to prove.
- They needed to market to their growing fan base in America.
- Those pretty boys didn’t need all the attention and floral-scented grooming products, including spray-on facial refreshers.
- Someone’s gotta buy all the new merch from Nike.
- They heard that the Philly cheesesteak sandwiches, burgers, ribs, deep dish pizza, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, fries, onion rings, fried butter, milkshakes, ketchup and beer were the best!
Instead of frilly accroutements, the lads packed the following items:
- Clean and dirty tee shirts. The dirty ones can double as table napkins for the BBQ ribs.
- Clean and dirty jeans for the same reasons. Note: no trendy tight destroyed jeans a la Pretty Boys FC.
- Permanent markers for autographs.
- Basic all-in-one shampoo and cleanser. You shower after practice and sweating from stuffing your face at Hometown Buffet.
- Tums and Pepto.
- Mouthwash just in case of smelly onion rings and such. Listerine was chosen for its simplicity.
- Deodorant for the above-mentioned scenarios.
- Credit cards and cash. Not for souvenir shopping but to tip the wait staff at all the sports bars and buffets they planned to visit.
At the English press conference their gaffer, Sir Ralph “Crocodile” Dundee, added that the trip will be fun and that all players got work visas unlike Prison Break United, who had half the team prohibited from entering most countries. When asked for comment team captain Shrek belched into the microphone as the gaffer took a swig from his flask. A member of the press offered both men an Altoids mint.
Before Day 1: plane made an emergency landing in Newfoundland because one of the star players, Mike Jackson, had the runs in the plane lavatory and stunk up the plane. Flight attendants gasped for air as all passengers escaped from the emergency exits and ran for shelter. The airline had another flight for the team and the team doctor gave Mike his Pepto. Doc notified FIFA from his Blackberry that one of their players had upset stomach and needed medication urgently.
Day 1: plane landed in Philadelphia. Shrek was awestruck by the sights of the US and let out a barbaric belch. One of his teammates sprayed him with Febreze. Dundee argued with the American press that it wasn’t Mike’s fault that their tour was a day behind and that the club were loaded anyway. Shrek interrupts the press conference with a squeaker and shouted “Damn airplane food!” The team escape to Chili’s while Dundee continued arguing with ESPN.
Stay tuned for more …
When we last heard from Pretty Boys FC, they faced a pub team that wanted to ruin their Bliss Spa facials. To better prepare for the upcoming season, the team decided to go to the US for their pre-season tour.
Our dear Pretty Boys decided to pack other essentials that differed from their kitman’s plans, which included:
- Creme de la Mer, apart from other skincare products (too many to name)
- Flat irons
- Assorted hair products, namely Kerastase, Bumble and Bumble, Tigi, and Enjoy (they were soooo over Paul Mitchell)
- Suncare, ranging from SPF 4 to SPF 100. Tans are the main focus for our Boys
- Teeth whiteners
- Emergen-C
- Portable hand wipes
Keano doesn't seem happy that we're blogging about him.
Darling Footistas,
Sorry for the long absence! I wasn’t on a boozefest as rumored but I was busy being a productive citizen. Gotta work on the work-life balance but this recent piece of news got my blood boiling and the wine supply at home all of a sudden looks tasty.
Per several reliable sources on Twitter, Robbie Keane is on his way to the Los Angeles Galaxy. Yep, that’s right. Even ESPN confirmed it. It’s enough to get this season ticket holder for said team screaming insults from her seats. Someone’s gotta interview Keano and ask “Why Los Angeles? Why the MLS?”* Sure, everyone knew that things weren’t working out at Tottenham Hotspurs. He went on loan to Celtic and West Ham United recently. Two seasons ago he went to Liverpool FC and didn’t fit in with Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres so he went back to Tottenham. Per Uncle ‘arry, Keano was not the same person since his adventure on Merseyside.
Some will argue that Robbie deserves a second chance, that the California sunshine will make him be reborn, that he’ll form a great partnership with David Beckham and Landon Donovan. Some will say that he and his wife will enjoy the Southern California lifestyle. If Keano helps contribute to the Galaxy and win the Western Conference and/or the MLS Cup, I’ll eat my words. On the other hand, if he performs like he did at Tottenham and West Ham then …
*I don’t have any clout or an all-access pass to the locker room so I can’t interview him or offer him my booze. Thanks for asking though.
Hitting the local library not necessary.
How many times have you been down this road before: your favorite team loses to your least favorite team. Let’s develop this further: what if your favorite team was made up of hotties* and the loser team looked like geeks? If your chosen team keep on losing, do you reach for that bottle of wine/vodka/tequila/other types of booze? Ate so much chocolate that you ignore the tummy aches and indigestion? Only buy waterproof mascara because you cry every weekend? It’s worse when everyone else thinks you’re paranoid and/or addicted to alcohol, Godiva and mascara in bulk from Costco. Any feelings of self-pity should stop here because you are about to be represented. If starcrossed lovers and hopeless romantics are represented in oeuvres like Romeo and Juliet, we can have our own literary masterpieces without the Cliff Notes and 15 page term papers. For girls who love soccer and the players, Footistas give you your own play!
ACT I
Scene. Fog lifts from a lush green pitch inside a stadium. Fans walk around and shout their team’s songs. Everyone applauds and jeers simultaneously when two football teams walk out from the tunnel. The host team, Dreamy United, strut and pose for the cameras while the visiting team, Pubteam FC, sniff their armpits. Dreamy’s captain, known for his beauty pageant smile and shapely eyebrow arches, frowns when he sees that Pubteam’s white jerseys have numerous food stains. In contrast, Dreamy’s teal jerseys are clean and trim, showing off their chiseled muscles.
Dreamy United’s right-back stares in horror when he sees the large stain on Pubteam FC’s forward’s shorts. The forward ignores the dirty looks, knowing that he looks a lot like Shrek in many ways. Pubteam’s captain, another Shrek lookalike, belches when he sees Dreamy’s left-back swing his head, showing off his perfect haircut only known to fashionistas and models while the centerback smirks and flexes a bicep. Pubteam’s goalkeeper wears an eyepatch and is missing a tooth. He sniffs the scent of orange blossom coming from Dreamy’s star player, the attacking midfielder famous for his headers, goal celebrations, tattoos and sculpted abs. The star midfielder hears the pirate goalkeeper snort his disgust. Pubteam’s gaffer smokes a cigar, also wears an eye patch and has a parrot on his shoulder while Dreamy’s gaffer rolls his eyes and fumes silently as he carries a designer duffel bag overstuffed with the team’s skin care, Latisse, hair products, styling tools and Oreos.
The referee blows his whistle to kick off. Pubteam’s captain starts running and breaks wind. Dreamy’s forward, famous for modeling designer jeans and his buttery highlights, gets a whiff of the stench and faints. The referee immediately books him for diving. Dreamy’s goalkeeper, a hero at the World Cup, leaves his posts and screams at the referee. Pubteam’s forward belches at Dreamy’s goalkeeper. Both teams start a shoving fight, accusing each other of being too pretty or stinking of beer and garlic. One of Pubteam’s supporters throws egg whites at Dreamy’s centerback and left-back, ruining their hairstyles. They begin to cry. Dreamy are so distracted by the shoving match and possible salmonella contamination that Pubteam’s forward kicks the ball into the net and scores a goal. The pretty boys protest to the referee that Shrekabee is offside; he allows the goal to stand. Shrek’s twin celebrates by doing the robot dance in front of Dreamy United’s supporters and cuts the cheese. He is delighted when the fans throw trash at him. He notices that one of the tossed items is a half-eaten meat pie lying in front of him. He bends over to pick it up and eat it. Dreamy’s captain faints. The referee assigns another yellow card for diving. Fans continue throwing debris on the field in protest.
To be continued …
*Don’t deny it! We like talented footballers and hot ones. He who is both is doubly blessed. As are we.
Are we invited?
First there were the sports cars, the palatial homes, the bling, and now underground lairs.
Frank Lampard is planning to build an underground swimming pool, gym and home theatre system despite objections from his neighbours in Chelsea. He was already granted a permit to begin the project. You can click on the link above to read more on the op-ed piece from the Guardian.
Now we’re curious about Frank’s bat cave! Who will be the Robin to his Batman? Who’s going to be the Joker?* Will there be a second refrigerator? Is Frank going to add a Batmobile? Many don’t approve of Frank’s underground playground but I see the positives: privacy and no paps taking pictures of you doing everyday activities. Now the media can focus on more pressing matters such as the out-of-control costs of managing football clubs and which item belonging to Andy Carroll gets torched.
*Sit down if you answered Ashley Cole.
Due to the racy nature of this post I chose not to put in a picture. I’m sure the pictures are available on the Internet somewhere!
We at Footistas drool when we think about the studs of footy. We even get turned on. However, it’s different when the ‘ballers themelves get turned on whilst playing the game! Who was caught getting hot and bothered on the field? Here are a couple of observations. If you have seen ‘ballers turning themselves on during a free kick please let us know in the comments section!
- Johan Elmander, 2010. Early in the season he scores a goal for Bolton Wanderers. Johan was so overjoyed he sported a tent.
- Andrei Schevchenko, 2006. Lying on the pitch, shirtless. That is not a gun in his shorts.
- Leighton Baines, 2010. Keeps grabbing himself in every match. Even Little Leighton made an appearance. His influence has rubbed off on Leon Osman and Phil Jagielka.
I must ask: haven’t these guys heard of jockstraps and Bond’s Gold medicated powder????
Recently Manchester City’s manager, Roberto Mancini, expressed his disdain over the “drinking culture” of English players. He was referring to four players who were caught boozing at a party hosted by St. Andrews University students. Instead of being uptight like Mancini, we at Footistas have a different angle to explore. Someone like Adam Johnson and Joe Hart can hang with the student crowd because they’re young enough. We just want to know why someone like Shay Given (32) and Gareth Barry (29) would be sharing a bottle of booze with the younger crowd. We don’t need psychology to see if they are having a midlife crisis. It’s a cry for help to Todd Phillips to reconsider doing the sequel to the 2003 movie Old School. Since Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn turned down the script, the Manchester City Frat Four can replace these guys and just play themselves! Can you dig it???
Imagine the following scenario in the former home of Dean Pritchard which now belongs to the Old School fraternity:
Gareth: Where’s Frank the Tank???
Adam: (hung over on one of the couches) Huh?
Gareth: You know! Frank! Frank the Tank!!!
Shay: (holding a golf bag) Dudes! Wanna go golfing?
Joe: Are we gonna drink and play 18 holes?
Shay: Just don’t play with my hole!
Adam: Huh?!?
Joe: Mate you had to go there! **** you!
Adam: **** me?!?!? **** you!
Gareth: (holding a bottle of scotch) You’re my boy Blue!
Joe: Gimme that! (guzzles) Who’ s Blue?
Shay: (takes bottle) How much did you drink? Blue’s in heaven! (Gareth weeps)
Adam: Can Patrick [Viera] be Blue? Can we invite Carlitos, Kung Fu Nigel and David Silva to join the frat?
Joe: What happened to James [Milner] and Mario [Balotelli]?
Shay: They didn’t understand that “going golfing” was a code for partying! They need to loosen up! (throws the empty scotch bottle into the fireplace) Dang that felt good! Yeah! (throws golf club at the window. Glass shatters)
Adam and Joe: Huh …
Gareth: (stops crying) Yeah!! Yeah!! I got an idea! Let’s go streaking to the gymnasium!!!!
No wonder Will and Vince turned down the script.
- Not pictured: Macaroon Crumble
In rosier times the Footistas would vacation in San Francisco, home of the Beat writers, Union Square, Golden Gate Bridge, clam chowder in a sourdough bowl and high end property. One sojourn took us to Max’s Diner on Geary Street in Union Square, where we enjoyed a delicious meal, friendly patrons and restaurant staff, and the Macaroon Crumble. If you haven’t tried it, bring a friend or two. It is ginormous. Footista Elmy was famished after the flight and decided to try the Macaroon Crumble. She got so full she stood up! (Note: there are other locations of Max’s Diner; please check out link for more information) So Max’s Diner is a great place to eat so get there if you’re in San Fran! The portions are generous so you better be near fainting from hunger when you get there!
Then we thought of something over fish tacos at Baja Fresh: what if the footballers were craving after intense practice and running? What if they needed comfort food after losing a match? If the players had their way and convinced their clubs to include the Bay Area as part of their pre-season tour, I bet they would want the mojito steak pictured above and the Macaroon Crumble. Then we digged deeper: who would finish the Macaroon Crumble after their meal and survive? Drum roll with drumsticks please:
- Conor Casey. I was shocked when I saw him fly when the Colorado Rapids took on Houston Dynamo. Not very mobile on the field. No wonder Bob Bradley left him off the World Cup squad. I hope he went to Max’s to drown his sorrows in gravy.
- Matt Reis. Everyone from Kasey Keller to Jon Busch has caught the New England Revolution goalkeeper eating two hot dogs. At half time!
- Wayne Rooney. If he can down 18 bags of chips, he can take on anything on the menu. He should have boarded a flight to the Bay Area after England’s loss to Germany at the World Cup.
- Ronaldinho. The AC Milan forward has been known to work out in the gym and party like it’s 1999. A recent picture showed that he was carrying extra baggage in his belly while wearing white shorts. Who wants to bet that he partied with Max’s meatloaf?
- Frank Lampard. He is a foodie and that’s not a crime. Hiding Coke in the water cooler and candy bars in his duffel? Different story. Send him the crab cakes as an appetizer and see what happens.
- Leon Osman. The Everton midfielder pretended to scarf some Thai food at an apperance for Chang Beer. Better idea: take him to Max’s and let him eat anything on the menu! Just keep tea bags away from him. And the (fresh) leftovers can be finished by Tony Hibbert. Just keep Tums handy for Hibbo.
- Adriano. Didn’t lose the weight in Brazil. Still didn’t lose any at Roma. He’s on the bench … is that a take out box from Max’s under him???
- Gennaro Gattuso. The Italian/AC Milan pitbull looks hungry! Quick! Toss him any of Max’s steaks cooked rare and run! Better yet, don’t cook it! Pitbulls like raw meat!
- Brian Jensen. Burnley’s goalkeeper looks burly. Could it be because the sandwich shop near Turf Moor isn’t keeping him full enough? He should bypass the sandwiches on Max’s menu and choose what he really wants to eat. Even if it’s the Macaroon Crumble for lunch!
Are there any footballers that you want to see go mano a mano with a porterhouse steak? A whole cake? Let us know in the comments. They might be hungry for five appetizers!
There's hope for beauty school students
Sorry for the long absence everyone! I’ve been scouring for great material for this blog and it’s coming! When a footballer sports a hairstyle that would make Jonathan Antin* cuss it’s a hair crime. If the hairstyle makes you feel green around the gills, it’s a hair crime against humanity. Because no stylist, no matter how little training s/he had, should try the ones pictured. Ever!
The first offense is Jermaine Defoe of Tottenham Hotspurs. I’ve nothing against mohawks but a stripe along the side of his head? How do you shampoo that? Is that a head or a helmet? Help me out here! If he got involved in a nasty fight how will the likes of Joey Barton and Nemanja Vidic rip out the stripe? Is that why Paluvchenko and his co-hort look disheartened?
* Jonathan Antin is the owner of Jonathan Salon in West Hollywood and starred in Bravo’s reality TV show Blow Out. He is a judge on Bravo’s Shear Genius.
Where's my Angus burger, whole pizza and milkshake?!?!?
One of Footista’s popular features is Spanx for Men. Here we explore the players who indulged in too many Krispy Kremes and we examine the photographic evidence. We start with Ronaldo, the polar opposite of Cristiano Ronaldo in terms of girth.
Ronaldo once starred for teams like Real Madrid and AC Milan and thrilled audiences at past World Cups. Now he drinks out of a world-sized cup based on this picture. Whatever happened to training, gym workouts and running? What consists of training at Corinthians in Brazil? Nonstop seconds at the churrascurria?
For those who didn’t know Spanx just debuted a line for men who want tummy and moob control. So far the line consists of tees and tanks. If Sarah Blakely needs models for her new line we recommend this guy!
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